Love in the age of globalisation : The hurdles of long-distance relationships

Imran Rahman was in a long-distance relationship (LDR) for five years before he got married and moved to Canada with his partner, renting a house together in Toronto in 2023. 

However, they got divorced within one year. In long-distance relationships, it is not just the time apart that can be a difficult adjustment, reunions can be just as dangerous.

Imran sees a major challenge in long-distance relationships as the risk of growing apart rather than together. He explains, "People grow and change. There is no way to stop that," but being separated for too long meant they "didn't grow together, we grew apart," ultimately becoming "strangers."

There are many other cases where long-distance relationships have led to break-ups, causing the reputation of LDR to take a hit. So, why do so many young people continue to pursue it?

Dreams of higher education

In Bangladesh, middle-class aspirations of studying abroad play a big role in why young people pursue long-distance relationships.

For many, studying abroad is such an ingrained expectation that they enter relationships knowing one partner might relocate for education. This possibility is often overlooked when relationships begin. 

Ayesha Nawar, a University of British Columbia student, explains, "In our specific class and culture, studying abroad is a kind of overarching expectation put on us by family and society, that we come to believe in as well." She adds that pursuing a master's degree was always her next step after undergrad. 

"I had been with my partner for one year when we decided to apply abroad. I was not making enough money, and in this economy, I needed a master's degree to be competitive in the job market."

Even when only one partner decides to move abroad, it is rarely unexpected. Imran was aware of his partner's plans to study internationally when they started dating. He recalls, "I already knew of her plans when we started dating, so we talked about it before we became serious. We agreed to take the risk because we wanted to be with each other." 

Similarly, Saadman Saif entered a relationship knowing his partner wanted to study fashion abroad. "It was always her dream to study fashion abroad. When she got her visa for Canada, I was ecstatic for her," he shares. 

Initially, they planned to break up before her departure, as they did not believe in long-distance relationships. However, as their bond deepened, they found it increasingly difficult to part ways. "That changed around two weeks before she left because we fell in love, and it had become too difficult to stop seeing each other," Saadman admits.

So, what sustains a long-distance relationship for international students?

Honest communication

Saadman has experienced both sides of long-distance relationships—first staying behind while his partner moved to Canada, and later moving to Malta while she remained. Reflecting on these experiences, he shares, "During the first time, I was very insecure. I was wrestling with insecurities about whether I was capable of going abroad and reuniting with her." 

He adds, "It has always been my dream to go abroad, so all of that had risen to the surface once she left." However, instead of discussing his feelings, he kept them to himself, which he now regrets.

For Saadman, experiencing long-distance for the first time was incredibly difficult. He and his partner had not adjusted well at all. They had set some boundaries and rules, none of which were being followed. His partner had also grown insecure and jealous, which led him to feel claustrophobic.

Saadman mentioned that during disagreements, they would just stop talking to each other, never trying to resolve the conflict.

For Imran, a similar situation happened initially, where he would shut down during conflict, but with the help of his partner, he eventually learned how to communicate his thoughts better.

Ayesha takes a hardline approach to conflict resolution, refusing to cut the call until it is resolved.

Unfortunately, despite the accessibility of social media, and efforts at better communication, long-distance brings some seemingly insurmountable barriers.

Social media and technology

The rise of social media and the increase in technology that can keep people connected is the biggest factor for students choosing to take the risk and plunge into LDR.

Ayesha shares how online games played a positive role, "Being able to play Stardew Valley with him online has been such a saving grace. I don't know what I would do without this outlet."

Along with gaming, social media is the biggest way students maintain connections over long distances. They use social media apps such as Instagram and Snapchat to stay in communication with each other, fostering trust and intimacy. 

For Ayesha, the act of sharing reels and memes with her partner on Instagram is a daily ritual. She sends him reels anytime she finds one worthy of sharing, and if it builds up, she asks her partner to go through the reels on call with her and discuss them.

One of the more difficult aspects of doing long-distance is all the special occasions in each other's lives partners can end up missing. Social media helps in this regard too. 

Imran used to send creative videos to his partner for such occasions, "I used to send videos of me dancing, or talking to the camera like a streamer; she used to make collages."

Fighting against the odds

Ayesha works three part-time jobs in Canada on top of her demanding study programme. This leaves little room for free time, regardless of how much she wants to spend with her partner. 

The 14-hour time-zone difference does not do them any favour to schedule virtual dates.

"The time zone difference meant one of us had to stay up late and one of us had to wake up very early, it's all about sacrifice," she says.

Saadman notes that time zone differences create challenges, as their moods rarely align. When he is eager to share something in the morning, his partner, exhausted from a long day, may not be on the same bandwidth to engage, leading to frustration. 

The biggest issue, however, is that their busy lives cause them to grow separately rather than together. Imran says, "While I was in Bangladesh, I had grown from being an introvert to an extrovert who likes parties. My partner never developed that, and this was a sore sticking point for us." Such differences in values and goals often become irreconcilable.

Adding one more challenge to the list, in Bangladesh's conservative society; long-distance couples face family pressure to marry quickly. Ayesha got engaged before leaving for studies to delay marriage. 

Drawing a parallel to this, Imran's relationship ended after five years when his family insisted on marriage before the reunion. "After five years apart, our attraction and intimacy faded. We needed time together before marriage,"  he laments.