How old were you?: Not all men, but also all men

The Second Revolution has been a success. A blood-thirsty autocratic regime has been deposed. Massive corruption has been unearthed.

And even before the dust had settled, whispers of "Not all men" had begun.

It came on the back of news from India.

When reports of the rape of an Indian nurse broke, and as the blood boiling and horrific details surrounding the incident began to trickle out, the condemnation in Bangladesh – including a night time protest – was resounding.

But at this time, "not all men" became almost a war cry for some.

While we can sit here and pretend that this kind of slogan comes from a place of defense, it can't really be that case.

Take a simple example: When the Hasina regime was dismantled, most of the arrests of the corrupt that followed targeted mainly men, mostly because they were in positions of power which enabled them to carry out such grievous violations of the law. 

I did not see the #NotAllMen trending then. Perhaps the blow was then cushioned by the presence of a female head of state.

But in terms of the crime in India, defenders of the mendom were quick to spring out, brandishing their innocence, shoving it in your face.

It's not just distasteful, it's disingenuous, only serving to obfuscate the narrative.

As men, it is perhaps best in these moments to sit down, show support and reflect.

The last one may be the hardest.

Recently a Facebook status began making the grounds. It was a simple question: 'How old were you?'

Without going into any details, the simple question was still easy to understand: What was your age when you were sexually assaulted?

The answers were not shocking. Just something swept under the rug.

And the answers poured in. Three, four, five, six, seven, etc. There wasn't an age that was spared.

The perpetrators? Men, of course.

Men who took it as their right to be veritable shareholders of a woman's body. Men, who committed horrifying crimes, only because they knew they could get away with it.

But why did they think that?

Statistics show that during 2018-2023, there were over 27,000 cases of rape and almost 60,000 cases of violence against women reported to police stations.

Convictions in the same year? A little over 24.

The low rate of conviction is further compounded by the hostile environment a rape victim has to face. The social media trial is just one of many.

Think of Pori Moni's assault allegation stemming from an encounter at the Uttara Boat Club.

The first question raised wasn't who did it. Rather, why was she there so late?

Why was an upstanding citizen, that, too, a woman at a club past the Cindrella hour?

The quick need to divert attention to a woman's character, her past, is a desire that is fuelled by slogans such as "Not all men".

Even within our families, we can find stories of a victim being repressed, doubts cast at her story, while the perpetrator enjoys the same social currency as they had before.

The point, now, however, isn't just how society let's criminals get away.

It is rather time to reexamine our own sets of behaviour.

As I write this, I think about my niece, my nephew, and my female friends.

If it wasn't all men, why do I worry when a man tries to be friendly with my niece? Why do I worry about keeping my own friends, people I grew up with, at a distance from her?

Why is it that I feel comfortable knowing one of my male friends is out and about in the middle of the night, but don't feel the same form of safety when the gender is changed to a female?

The same concern, in differing measures, is extended to my brother and sister.

But it's not just about friends and family or how we think about them and their interactions with the wider world.

It's also about us and how we treat others around us. Consent isn't restricted to physical touch. It is also about how we approach, or allow ourselves, to approach others. It is also in our gaze. It is also in our everyday conduct. It could also be a message or repeated messages to someone who isn't responsive.

Sometimes, it is easy to take a hint when it's there.

And it is also in whether we stick to our stance or are cowered by others or even our bad judgement.

For instance, even a workplace can be a hostile environment for a female colleague. Their voices may be muted in conversations, their opinions discarded.

The same can be said of friend circles. It can also be in your very own bedroom.

The need for consent should follow the practice of being respectful.

As men, we have so much to learn and unlearn.

There are days when you can find yourself checking yourself over your own behaviour and that's a lesson you can keep in mind going forward.

The only message you don't need right now is "Not all men." Yes, you may not have committed a heinous crime. But we can ask what we did before such a crime happened and what we did after.