An education in consent

We, humans, are social beings. We need to interact with one another in order to succeed in the world that we have constructed around us. I believe that - to have a kinder and fairer world - consent must act as the baseline from which our interactions emerge.

First, let me set out a serviceable definition (and framework) of consent. Consent is the mechanism by which an actor or a group of actors seeks the approval of another actor or a different group of actors for the performance of an action by the former on the latter.

For example, if I want to carry my friend's bag because they are struggling, then I may ask them, "Can I carry your bag? You seem to be struggling." I only obtain consent when they agree. And if they do not, then I do not have their consent. 

What happens when I do not obtain their consent but coerce them to accept my request or impose myself on them? That is a transgression of their boundaries. Boundaries are guidelines that people autonomously develop to express their preference towards an action.

For example, I do not read and reply to emails over the weekend. This is a boundary I set out that indicates my preference to take time off from professional life. More importantly, there is no consensual way you can reach me. It would be a transgression of my boundaries if someone contacted me via other methods to discuss work-related matters. 

Ask everyone you interact with whether they are comfortable with your actions, even if they are children. Credit: TBS Illustration

While the above example is of low harm, insofar that I will merely get annoyed, you can clearly observe how dangerous boundary transgressions can be in the real world.

Sexual assault, domestic abuse, physical harm, psychological trauma are the most extreme cases of boundary transgressions. These are also the most salient. Yet, what about the everyday transgressions? 

Think about the less privileged of us who are often conflicted when our friends spontaneously decide to go to an expensive place. Not wanting to ruin the mood, they tend to stay quiet or agree half-heartedly to avoid conflict.

Furthermore, it is generally looked down upon to be seen as financially vulnerable. Yet, are we actively seeking their consent in the decision-making process? We are not. 

There are many other examples where scenarios like these play out. Think about children. We do not generally seek their consent (well, they are children!).

Yes, babies and toddlers lack the verbal and mental capacity to understand and express what their boundaries are.

Sexual assault, domestic abuse, physical harm, psychological trauma are the most extreme cases of boundary transgressions. These are also the most salient. Yet, what about the everyday transgressions?

But surprisingly, I have observed that children - 5-year-olds onwards - are quite sharp in expressing their preferences. Yet, we tend to ignore their requests until they turn into adults because, as adults, we supposedly "know better". 

I beg to disagree. Our experiences are unique to us. We respond to the world based on our own unique bodily experiences. We develop boundaries based on how we feel with regards to an action or an event. We exercise our autonomy in deciding how we respond to events.

The same applies to children. They are in every way just as alive and as perceiving as we are. We all were children and we should have known this. Yet, we often breach their boundaries.

In Bangladeshi culture, we have a toxic practice of allowing visiting adults to touch the children. As a child, I hated it. My skin was violated by strangers and relatives alike. My autonomy was disavowed. 

But God forbid if my parents were unable to display their child for the visitors to pinch, grab and rub. To this day, I still have trust issues with visitors. If this is our baseline expectation for adult-child interactions, then it is not surprising that many religious teachers often rape their younger students when unsupervised. 

So, what then is the solution? For me, the solution lies in cultivating a (counter-) culture of consent. Ask everyone you interact with whether they are comfortable with your actions, even if they are children.

Trust in their autonomy to disclose their boundaries and respect those. Prevent harm by not violating their boundaries and by calling people out when they violate other people's autonomy. Normalise calling out and for a kinder and fairer world, speak up!

Shaharaj S. P. Ahmed is a student at Yale-NUS College and can be reached at pshaharaj@gmail.com.

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of The Business Standard.