Classic patriarchy and its impact on society

On 7 May, Palash Saha, a police officer, took his own life, leaving a suicide note, one portion of which stated 'Neither my mother nor my wife is responsible for my death. I am solely responsible. I have failed to keep anyone happy'. It has since then been confirmed that he was struggling in the midst of an extremely bitter psychological tug-of-war between the two women - an arguably universal phenomenon in the South Asian family sphere. 

His tragic suicide and the heart-breaking note he left behind stirred a storm in the social media platforms with netizens pouring in sympathy for him and criticising the women for their role in causing his mental breakdown and subsequent suicide. Someone, presumably a man (based on their ID), commented on one of the numerous social media posts and reels 'Two women can never stay together'. 

Another commented, 'This is what causes men to become living corpses after marriage' (translated and paraphrased). Many lambasted the woman's vicious possessiveness of her son, while others criticised the wife's lack of patience and consideration. However, hardly any of these comments delved into the root cause of this almost ubiquitous reality and social implications of this phenomenon.

Many years ago in 2010, I happened to come across a PhD data collection interview with Rita (not her real name), a housewife living with her in-laws in a village, when she shared her life experience after marriage, '...It is like a prison. I have to cook for everyone, but I eat when everybody else finishes their meal… My mother-in-law does not want my husband to stay with me. That's why she sent my husband abroad, so that we cannot stay together.' 

Fast forward to a month  ago - a young man called Arif (not his real name) was found dead in his apartment in Dhaka. When the authorities tried to locate his next of kin, it came to light that he had been forced to separate from his wife under the pressure of his mother. This caused a long conjugal isolation, eventually leading to emotional breakdown and suicide. I am sure the reader will notice how uncannily this incident resonates with what happened to Palash Saha, and how both of these tragedies reflect an almost inescapable reality in Bengali family life.

The pertinent question at this point is - is this particular form of family conflict merely an ingrained habit of Bengali or South Asian women of different generations, as most people seem to contend? Or is there any deeper social and psychological cause that associates with a prevailing patriarchal social order? 

The truth is, this phenomenon is not only trapped in the confines of India, Bangladesh and Pakistan. A similar social order prevails in many other cultures - including the Middle East, China, Japan and Korea. The plethora of Korean, Turkish and Chinese drama that so many of us enjoy attest to this fact.

Over the last few decades, numerous social scientists and researchers have conducted a wide range of analytical studies on women in different regions of Asia and the socio-cultural dynamics that shape their lives. 

Among them, Deniz Kandiyoti, a famous British-Turkish scholar based in the School of Oriental and African Studies of the University of London spoke about the concept of 'classic patriarchy' in her 1988 article, 'Bargaining with Patriarchy'. 

In the article she argues that patriarchy exhibits itself in multiple forms throughout different cultures in various parts of the world. In her words, what emerges in West, South and East Asia can be termed 'classic patriarchy' - distinct from the patriarchal customs prevalent in Europe and Africa. 

Classic patriarchy is characterised by patrilocal and patrilineal social order. While unwed women reside in their father's and subsequently brother's home, on marriage they are expected to integrate into their husband's family. There, the woman is subordinate not only to her husband and other male members of his family, but also to the older women, especially his mother. 

As Dr. Kandiyoti described it, 'The young bride enters her husband's household as an effectively dispossessed individual who can establish her place in the patriliny only by producing male offspring… Women's lifecycle in the patriarchally extended family is such that the deprivation and hardship she experiences as a young bride is eventually superseded by the control and authority she will have over her own subservient daughters-in-law.' 

Within this cultural context, there are two crucial points to consider. Firstly, historically women in this system rarely had access to any financial resources or private property. Their only source of economic power, influence and arguably - respect, is the male family member she can have undisputed claim over - her son. 

Over the last few decades, the economic patterns have shifted significantly due to women's increased participation in the workforce and gaining access to their own income. 

However, an overwhelming majority of women remain outside the workforce. According to a 2022 report from Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics only 17% of women work in the formal job sectors. For the majority of women, their social reality remains largely unchanged. As a result, the centuries of social psychological conditioning that a woman's identity, selfhood and authority is inextricably linked to her son is far from vanishing. 

Even the gradual breakdown of patrilocality has not diminished the effects of this scenario, but merely altered how it reveals itself. Furthermore, the growing independence of younger women and the options they now have mean that they are less likely to put up with any form of abuse or humiliation and moreover, fight to establish their authority in their own home. 

Understandably, this results in a considerably contentious household. This often leads to the complete breakdown and dissolution of the marriage, with devastating consequences for the women and children, as well as the men.   

Men's situations within these familial conditions often present an unfortunate complication. On one hand, they thrive on the services of women - particularly their mothers and wives. 

On the other hand, the simultaneous expectation of obedience to their mothers and the responsibility of supporting their wives puts them smack-dab in the middle of a deeply toxic psychological conflict. Needless to say, they suffer from it, and in extreme instances, like Palash Saha, and Arif, they feel compelled to seek reprieve in the only path they feel is open to them. While Palash's death brought this to limelight, a majority of women, as well as men, continue to suffer from this phenomenon in silence. 

Whenever these conflicts occur, most people are quick to vehemently shower the women involved with personal attacks. Hardly anyone considers the overarching, deeply embedded patriarchal social system that perpetuates these conflicts. 

The truth is, the only way to move forward from this cyclical subjugation of women in the hands of other women is by continuing to encourage women's empowerment. They need to cultivate their self-worth and an identity outside the familial sphere where her dreams and ambitions also define her. Without this, it will never be possible to overcome the classic patriarchal system that not only ruins women's lives, but men's lives as well. 

Ashabori Mayurakkhi is a researcher and writer, currently working as an AI developer at a European company. 

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions and views of The Business Standard.