The illusion of intimacy: Can we truly know who we follow online?

In an age where our lives are increasingly intertwined with the digital world, many of us have formed emotional attachments to people we've never met - from our favourite artists to influencers who share every detail of their daily routines.

This peculiar phenomenon, known as a parasocial relationship, describes the one-sided bond we feel with someone who doesn't know us personally. The term was first introduced in 1956, during the rise of television, when audiences began to feel a sense of intimacy with on-screen personalities.

According to a Sky News report, the concept has evolved in the social media era, where the accessibility and personal nature of content from influencers and podcasters have blurred the lines between connection and illusion.

"Unrequited relationships are nothing new," says Dr Veronica Lamarche, a social personality psychologist at the University of Essex. 

"Throughout history, there are lots of examples of people forming one-sided connections. It's a case of all your connection with that person coming solely through what you're presented with through those channels – be it your favourite TV show or a social media profile."

Photo: Collected

A 2024 study co-authored by Dr Lamarche found that while emotional needs are still best fulfilled by friends and family, parasocial relationships with YouTubers were often valued more than relationships with casual acquaintances or colleagues. 

"Parasocial relationships are available whenever we need them," she adds. 

"In the middle of the night, if you're feeling a bit sad, you can turn to your favourite content creator and get that feeling of solace – whereas it might be inappropriate to wake up your best friend to call them for a chat. There aren't those same boundaries."

When fans cross boundaries

Travel blogger Charlie Pauly is all too familiar with these blurred boundaries. The 34-year-old and his then-partner became "the UK's biggest Instagram travel couple" after documenting their round-the-world trip in 2017. But when the couple broke up in 2022, the separation wasn't just personal - it was public.

"The thing with social media is people love depth. They really want to get to know you - and people really believe that they know you," Charlie told Sky News. "I got lots of lovely messages of support, but it went crazy at first. I got [messages saying]: 'I always knew she was gay' and 'he was definitely cheating on her' - none of which was true."

He recalls one fan who even tracked him down in real life. 

"He just turned up at the boat when we weren't there - I had no idea. He took a selfie and sent it to me on Instagram."

The incident left Charlie shaken. "He said he 'just wanted to say hi', but I got quite defensive about it. I told him: 'I don't know where your head's at, but that's not cool. Don't ever turn up at my house again'."

When creators grieve their followers

For lifestyle content creator Kristabel Plummer, the effects of parasocial relationships have gone both ways. The 37-year-old from London, who has nearly 80,000 followers on Instagram, discovered earlier this year that one of her long-time followers had passed away.

"She crossed my mind one day, so I checked her profile – only to find someone had posted about her passing away," Kristabel recalls. 

"It's such a strange sort of relationship. If someone stops messaging you, you have no way of knowing what's happened to them – so it was very upsetting to find out that way."

Research supports her experience, showing that people can experience grief-like symptoms after the death of someone they've never met.

The positives of parasocial bonds

Despite their potential pitfalls, parasocial relationships aren't inherently unhealthy. Dr Lamarche calls them "part of our psychological toolkit for connection". 

Studies show they can reduce loneliness, boost confidence, and even help build a sense of identity.

Psychotherapist and author Josh Fletcher, better known as Anxiety Josh, has over 240,000 Instagram followers and millions of podcast downloads. 

"When you're anxious, you feel alone, you feel isolated – sometimes you don't even have the words to describe how you're feeling," says the 35-year-old from Manchester. 

"I live a happy life now, but by me saying 'I've been there' gives people hope."

He's received "hundreds" of messages from people inspired by his work, particularly after the release of his book And How Does That Make You Feel: Everything You Never Wanted To Know About Therapy. Many told him his openness had encouraged them to pursue careers in mental health.

Dr Lamarche notes that parasocial relationships can be particularly meaningful for marginalised communities. 

"Being able to see yourself mirrored back to you is a great antidote to that loneliness and hopelessness that comes with a lot of mental health conditions," she says.

The risks of over-reliance

Still, experts warn that overdependence on parasocial bonds can lead to social withdrawal or unhealthy comparisons. 

"The reason they can be so harmful is that one-sidedness," Dr Lamarche cautions. 

"While they're useful, they can't ever fully satiate our needs. So if someone with low self-esteem starts putting all their eggs in their parasocial basket, that withdrawal can make them more vulnerable and actually lower their wellbeing long-term."

Finding the balance

Life coach and author Michelle Elman, who has more than 200,000 followers, knows the challenges of drawing boundaries firsthand. After revealing her engagement last year, she discovered her fiancé had been cheating on her — with one of her followers.

"I think with my style of content there's a perception that I share everything about my life – when I actually really don't," she says. 

"Every so often, I might get a message asking 'What happened to this guy?', but I won't answer, because the moment you start, it's never going to be enough to meet people's expectations."

Elman advises fellow influencers to remain intentional about what they share. 

"People can think that relatability thing - if you overshare, you'll get a bigger following - but you have to ask yourself if that's why you want people to follow you. If you look at my Instagram as a whole – it does sum up my life – but that doesn't mean I've shared every thought I've ever had."

As social media continues to redefine our ideas of intimacy and connection, perhaps the real challenge lies in recognising where admiration ends and illusion begins.