With divorce on the rise, can couples therapy be a saviour?

Sneha and Ashiq (not their real names) had been a happily married couple for four years, at least to their friends and families, until a storm struck. 

Initially, there were a few misunderstandings and trust issues, which they both left unheeded. But at one point, the bitterness between them reached its peak, and soon they realised something was very wrong. 

The thought of divorce also crossed their mind, but none of them was ready to acknowledge it, for they already had a two-year-old son. And they didn't want to leave their child's future in uncertainty. They shared their thoughts with some of their close ones, but to no avail. 

Finally, as a last resort, they went to see a couples therapist. And then all the unexpressed feelings between them were exposed to each other for the first time. But still, it was a rather slow process. 

"After one session, Ashiq thought, enough was enough," recalled Sneha. "But I knew marital problems are too complicated to be sorted out all at once."

So, Sneha persuaded Ashiq for the second and third time, and then at one point, Ashiq also understood how important the sessions were. Then he too started showing interest in couples therapy. And after five sessions, it became evident that there wasn't any more bad blood between the couple. 

"Now we have a stable relationship. Even if there are hiccups every once in a while, we know what we should do: sit together and have a discussion over the matter," said Ashiq. 

Like this couple, there are thousands of others in the country who are resorting to couples therapy in a bid to repair their relationships. 

Couples therapy, couple's counselling, marriage counselling and marriage therapy are terms that are used interchangeably and have the same meaning. In couples therapy, couples sit down and talk to a trained psychologist to improve their conjugal relationships and resolve interpersonal conflicts. 

According to the Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics (BBS), the divorce rate in the country has doubled in one year, rising from 0.7 per thousand people in 2021 to 1.4 per thousand in 2022. 

The following was reported earlier this year: The figures of the two city corporations show that a total of 13,288 divorce applications were submitted in 2022. Of those, some 7,698 applications were submitted at the office Dhaka South City Corporation (DSCC) and 5,590 applications in Dhaka North City Corporation (DNCC).

As such, the number of divorces recorded in a day stands at 37 on average in Dhaka, that is a divorce in every 40 minutes. The number of divorce applications submitted in the months of January and February this year is 2,488.

As a result, the popularity of couples therapy has also seen a sharp rise, with many considering it a "marriage saviour." 

However, it's not as easy as it sounds. 

The Business Standard reached out to the country's top couples therapists, and as it turns out, couples therapy doesn't necessarily guarantee the sustainability of a relationship always, as several issues come into play.

Also, most people still come to couples therapists way too late, as men are more reluctant than women to seek professional help. Meanwhile, the relatively high fee of couples therapists per session also means most people cannot afford them. 

Why couples therapy is on the rise 

Shahrina Ferdous, a consultant psychologist at Serenity: A Psychosocial Support Center in Chattogram, said that over the past few years, more couples are seeking professional help from psychotherapists, as the modern lifestyle is taking a toll on their conjugal lives. 

She further explained that with both husbands and wives joining workforces shoulder to shoulder nowadays, life is getting busier than ever before for most couples, especially those residing in urban areas. They hardly get the time required to spend together and tend to withhold their emotional intimacy – resulting in an overall lack of communication between them. 

This leads to the understanding gap, with many couples no longer realising their expectations from each other, and also their ambitions in life. As a result, there is an ever-growing lack of mutual respect between them as well.  

Both husbands and wives work outside the home for a significant portion of the weekdays, which also means the need for a proper division of household chores and child-rearing. But this isn't properly maintained in most families, and that increases the chance of conflict along the way, according to Kazi Disha, a family, couples and relationship therapist at the Nafs Psychological and Spiritual Wellness Centre.

As Bangladesh is a conservative country, gender roles are rooted so deeply in its traditions that even in this 21st century, most people aren't ready to accept the fact that household activities are not meant for women only, but men should also have equal participation. 

"With women now more educated and self-reliant, they no longer make peace with such discrimination; let alone tolerate the physical and mental abuse from their partners and in-laws. So the desire to get out of marriage is rising in case of such occurrences," explained Disha. 

The interference by in-laws in disputes between a husband and wife may also make matters more complicated, and push them to the edge. As things no longer remain an issue between the couple, generational differences also come into play, she added. 

In most cases, the in-laws chip in with advice and suggestions from their perspectives, such as telling the wives to be solely responsible for child rearing, or asking the husbands to take the whole responsibility of household expenses, which poses a big challenge for couples to break free from societal stereotypes. 

Mental health consultant Tarannum Musarrat Tusqa also mentioned the difference in sexual needs and expectations behind the cause of conflict between two married people. 

"There are always differences in expectations, desires or preferences related to intimacy and sexuality. Since discussing sexual issues is still a taboo in our culture, the lack of communication or understanding in this area can strain the relationship," she explained. 

There are also disagreements about budgeting, spending habits and financial decision-making which tend to strain a relationship, particularly if there are differences in income or financial priorities.

And last but not least, infidelity is the ultimate sign of breach of trust, which can have a devastating effect on a marriage. If one or both partners indulge in extramarital affairs, it is highly unlikely that they can ever regain mutual trust in equal measure, which is believed to be the foundation of a relationship. 

Through couple therapy, Bangladeshi couples have a greater chance of resolving their differences, restoring their relationship and avoiding divorce. However, "to achieve the greatest results, both partners must be willing to actively participate in therapy," insisted Tusqa. 

Too little, too late? 

In a bid to resolve conjugal differences, couples generally share their problems with their family members or close friends first, which may do more harm than good, believes Md Asaduzzaman Raju, a counselling psychologist and psychotherapist at SIBL Foundation Hospital. 

According to him, a couple's loved ones may want the best for them, but they may show tendencies to overlook the real problems or be biased in their judgements. 

As a result, the underlying problems continue to thrive, which may lead a couple to take drastic decisions later in their lives. 

"In many cases, couples come to us when it's already too late. Still, we can bring them to a fruitful solution provided they want from the heart to reconcile. But if a couple has already decided to part ways, we don't have much left to do other than make the separation process go smoothly," said Raju. 

When it comes to marital issues, being too late to seek professional help is not a phenomenon exclusive to Bangladesh either. Even in the most developed countries like the United States, couples go to therapy way too late. 

"Research shows that people generally go to marriage counsellors six years too late. By then, the problems are very hard to overcome and there's very little goodwill left," Dr Ann Gold Buscho, a US-based clinical psychologist specialising in divorce-related issues, told The Business Standard.

Women more interested than men 

As it turns out, women are more interested than men in seeking help from therapists to save their marriages. Most women need to do a good deal of convincing their partners before finally stepping into the chamber of a couples therapist. 

According to Disha, sometimes women even come alone to therapists but that can hardly help them salvage their relationships. This is because both the husband and the wife should be present in the sessions so that therapists can talk to both of them to dig up their problems. 

In some cases, even talking to family relatives is also necessary for an in-depth understanding. 

She mentioned that some women prefer coming to female therapists as they don't want to open up in front of male therapists.

"It is generally perceived that women are more empathetic and can understand fellow women's agonies [more] easily. But as trained professionals, both male and female therapists can control their emotions and look at the issues objectively," she added. 

Not affordable for most people 

Educational and financial background too have some role to play in the decision to see a couples therapist.  

Only people with proper education realise the importance of seeking help from a professional third party to save marriages, Raju pointed out. Also, people without a deep pocket are not able to afford a couples therapist. 

"Couples therapy is different from other traditional forms of individual therapy. And it requires highly trained professionals to give service to couples. So, the price of couples therapy may even be four times higher than individual therapies, which are out of reach for most middle- or lower-middle-income people," reasoned Raju. 

In Bangladesh, rates for couples therapy range from Tk1,000-5,000 per session, with every session generally lasting for an hour (which is also true for many individual therapists). Apart from face-to-face sessions, therapy is now also available online. However, for sensitive therapy where multiple people are involved, offline sessions are deemed more useful. 

The importance of coming back 

It is always very important to come back to therapists for repeat sessions. 

"Conjugal problems cannot be eradicated overnight. We need lengthy, in-depth conversations with all parties involved to understand the gravity of the problems and sort them out. Hence, couples therapy should be a long, continuous process," said Ferdous. 

But still, some people don't follow up because they think they don't need to see a therapist anymore, while financial problems too could be a key catalyst, Ferdous added. 

"But if therapists can motivate couples properly and give them genuine hope that their relationship would last, they are more likely to return," she concluded.