Behind closed doors: Why women in Bangladesh stay in abusive marriages

Koli Akter (pseudonym) recalls countless nights when she convinced herself to stay in her abusive marriage. Every time her husband crossed the line, she found a reason to forgive him, believing that commitment meant endurance, no matter the cost. 

"I was fully invested in our marriage and forgave my husband countless times, yet I was told I had to be submissive, no matter what. I felt leaving was impossible. With what money or income?" she said.

Unfortunately, her story is not something unique. In Bangladesh, more than half of all married women (54%) report experiencing physical and sexual abuse at the hands of their husbands, according to the 2024 Violence Against Women (VAW) Survey by the Bangladesh Bureau of Statistics and UNFPA. Yet, a staggering 64% of them never speak up, whereas only 7% take legal action.

So, why don't they leave? The question is too often asked with misplaced judgment. The real question should be, why is she in danger in the first place? 

Experts believe the reasons are complex and deeply embedded in social structures, cultural expectations and economic realities. 

Financial dependence — a tool of control

One of the most immediate barriers is money.

"In many abusive relationships, the abuser controls the entire household's income," said Mamun Ur Rashid, Coordinator of Badabon Sangho, a community-based women's rights organisation that works with domestic violence survivors.

"He [the husband] decides how much she can have, when and for what purpose. In many cases, she doesn't work — because he won't allow her to," Mamun added.

Women are often full-time homemakers or caregivers at home. Without access to finances, even the thought of leaving feels like staring down a cliff with no bottom. The question is not just where to go, but how to go.

"If I leave, where will I go? With kids? Moreover, if I leave my husband, I will be subjected to social humiliation as people will point the finger at my character," Koli said.

Children, the emotional bind 

A common thing among the survivors is a concern for their children, not only about child custody but about the economic consequences of leaving. 

"Sometimes the abusive husband gets half custody of the children. Even if he isn't abusive to the kids, the mother loses half the time she would have had with them," said Raoman Smita, a women's rights activist and lawyer. 

Many women stay not because they believe it is best for them, but because they believe it is best for their children. They fear dragging their children into poverty or raising them without a father figure. Others fear that the children might be used as pawns in retaliation, or worse, threatened with violence.

Nowhere to go

In a country plagued with a shortage of safe housing, simply walking out is never an option.

"If I ever muster the courage to leave, where will I go? My family doesn't know what he's done. And if I tell them, will they believe me?" said Reti Rani (pseudonym).

The 2024 VAW survey found almost no disparity between rural and urban settings regarding domestic abuse — 76% in rural areas and 75.6% in urban areas — implying that there is a serious lack of resources and support across all demographics.

Shame and social stigma

Maisha Rahman (pseudonym) once thought her suffering was normal.

"I stayed because I did not understand that all my struggles and sufferings were considered abuse. I had truly been conditioned to believe that he [the husband] was a saint for tolerating me and all my flaws," she said. 

This conditioning is not accidental.

In many parts of Bangladesh, women are socialised from a young age to be submissive wives, to "save" their marriages at all costs, and to tolerate suffering for the sake of honour and family.

In some communities, divorce is simply unthinkable. A woman who leaves is seen not as brave, but as broken. 

If I leave, where will I go? With kids? Moreover, if I leave my husband, I will be subjected to social humiliation as people will point the finger at my character.

A housewife trapped in an abusive marriage

Both religious and secular counselling often reinforces these beliefs. "Religious leaders and counsellors sometimes focus more on preserving the marriage than protecting the woman. They see divorce as a failure, instead of recognising the danger," said Kazi Shamima Haque, a psychologist who works with abuse survivors. 

The fear is real 

Experts point out that when someone decides to come out of a toxic relationship, this could be the most dangerous time in an abusive marriage. Many abusers threaten their partners with horrific consequences if they attempt to leave.

They threaten them using words like "If you ever try to leave me, I'll take the kids and you'll never see them again" or "If you leave me, I'll find you and kill you".

"Victims live in constant fear, and one of the only times the fear is slightly less intense is when they're doing exactly what the abuser wants," said Shamima.

The threat isn't a hoax. Cases of post-separation violence — sometimes lethal — are often reported and documented.

Inadequate legal support 

"You cannot count on the existing laws of this country. No one gets punished. When Puja was raped, six different organisations had to gather money to support her. Her rapist was released on bail last month. Her father is now distraught and afraid for his daughter's life. He regrets ever going after him legally," said human rights activist Shahan Huda Ranjana.

Restraining orders, even when granted, are difficult to enforce. Police may treat intimate partner violence as a mere "domestic dispute". And societal disbelief continues to silence victims.

Many abusers appear charming, friendly and even respected in public. "Who will believe me?" is not just a fear — it is a lived reality for many women. 

Survivors often suffer alone. Isolation is a key tactic in abuse. Friends and family may be unaware of what's happening, or might not trust the woman even if she speaks up.

Then there are women who have disabilities, or whose immigration status, language barriers, or health conditions tie them to their abuser for daily care. For them, leaving is simply not an option (logistically and emotionally). 

Apart from these, there are many other reasons that keep a woman in an abusive marriage. 

"She may stay because she fears for her life or the life of her children. She may stay because she has no money, no support, and no home. She may stay because she hopes that he will change someday. She may stay because she blames herself," said Raoman Smita.